dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
