My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
