Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
