I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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