Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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