Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
They should really pass out barf bags in church
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
MIDGETS
????
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
