never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
