I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
