I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
