She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
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In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
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Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize