I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
