im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
