Pregnant stripper...not hot.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
