He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
