I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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