If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
