Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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