I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
