We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
