I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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