just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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