i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
