Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
