i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
