True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
