This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
