So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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