i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
