First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
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Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
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Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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