she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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