Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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