She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
