Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
