She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
