dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
