jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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