im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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