my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
you inspire me to be a worse person
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
