The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
