guys are not supposed to queef...right?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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