Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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