I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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