we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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