when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
