well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
