I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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