Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
