How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
