You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
