My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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