We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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