apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
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The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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