I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Dear god my vagina.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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