Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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