My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
so much tequila, so little girl.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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