At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
